Heart Begets Heart

We make compromises and deals with ourselves and the world around us all day, every day. Some of these are as inconsequential as Snooki. (i.e. I didn't have ANY fat today, so I'm putting cream in my coffee...suck it.). Some require more thought and careful consideration as to our goals and desired end state. There isn't necessarily a right or wrong, there's simply a choice. Do I want to make great strides in fitness? Or, perhaps in this moment I'd rather eat this cookie (again, suck it).

Here I am, this is me...it goes all the way to the bone.

There's more to give here, MIGHT be posing for the camera...

These decisions we make affect us at our core when taken in total. The small choices might seem as innocuous as an odorless fart at the time, but add up an entire year of those decisions and you could be crop dusting the bible belt. There's one particular brand of decision that's more interesting than all the rest - How hard will I go?

The answer to that question holds sway over everything we do. What we decide to eat, what we do with our free time, relationships, CrossFit, etc. How much of yourself you're willing to give to a thing determines how much you'll ever get from it in return - it also tells the rest of the world a great deal. It shows how much that thing means to you...how important it is. Of course, there's an ongoing risk vs. reward analysis that we conduct subconsciously. However, you need to weigh the perceived gains against what you must chance to get them.

If you want to be a fire-breathing monster in the gym you're going to have make some executive decisions. If you want to find your soul mate, you'll need to expose your true self in a way that can be very dangerous to your ticker. This is where intensity vs. reward comes into play. Perhaps not so intuitively, these things are not all that different. If you want to do Fran in two minutes, you're going to have to go to a place of physical pain and suffering that demands that you cease to care about everything going on around you. You're going to HURT...and everyone is going to see it. The moment where you almost quit, but don't...will be as immediately apparent as Richard Simmons at a power lifting meet.

You can be that brilliant, unflappable hero - iconic and perfect - but you'll have to forego much to do it.

If you only want to do Fran in four minutes, it's not going to hurt as bad. You can probably get through that looking like a boss the whole time, and no one around will you be the wiser. They'll think, "Wow....that girl is a warrior, it didn't even look like that hurt her." In reality you know the that's true - It didn't really hurt. If you're ok with that, it's not wrong it's just a choice. You still turned in a great performance, albeit not the best. You didn't get hurt though...you traded some intensity for the paper facade of self-inflicted comfort. You looked calm, poised, and strong. Never once did your weakness show, and you weren't exposed. That's ok. You can stay invincible by not wearing your heart on your sleeve.

It's being true to yourself in an emotional and interpersonal sense. If you don't give much of yourself, you're never going to get banged up. However, you're also never going to feel much of the good stuff. You can't have a truly deep connection with another person (friendly or romantic) if you never share anything of yourself. You can be that brilliant, unflappable hero - iconic and perfect - but you'll have to forego much to do it. You'll never reach that level of intensity and openness - it's a sliding scale. The more you open up, the more you share yourself the more richly you can experience those connections. But there's a catch. In showing all of your imperfections and humanity you can get burned like Freddy Kruger - crispier than a Harvard Square resident.

When there's nothing left to give, it's just you - the real you.

The precipitous fall from this ledge tastes as foul as Gary Busey's mouth on Monday morning. This leaves most of us guarded - both in the gym and in life. It varies by degree to be sure, but there are very few of us who are willing to lay it all on the line, shoulder the possible, even likely ass-pounding we could take for it, so that we might receive the most glorious of pay offs. It all comes back to the decision we made before we started - how hard will I go? This doesn't really boil down to whether or not you're a pussy - we have largely divergent tolerance to risk in matters of the heart - which both of these certainly are.

It's when the bar is against your shins, and you just don't fucking care what happens to you...you might eat shit, you might flame-out... You could start crying from the searing pain, or just totally fail to complete the task, but you don't give a fuck. You're all in. People will see you suffer, struggle, and look anything but powerful. They'll see you come millimeters from complete emotional collapse...hell, you might even shit yourself - but you DON'T care. That's who you are, and you're living in the moment. You're risking exposing who and what you're really about to those around you so that you might achieve something great. Maybe you don't cut it though, maybe you fall short of that goal. There's heartache involved in being so utterly exposed, and not getting what you wanted - it's gonna hurt like a Japanese Game Show - but there's nobility in that.

Holding on to the shores of safety in a tempest will let you live to fight again, but it won't let you see what's beyond the waves. All it can give is a smug, scar-free outward appearance. While that saves face and looks nice on camera, it also makes you colder and deader inside than a frozen stripper. It's like being emotionally unavailable with friends and loved ones. This is an easy comparison because we've all been here before, on one side or the other. It's a sure way to avoid a broken heart, but it's also a defacto guarantee that you'll never feel any warmth yourself either. The intensity you give to a workout is analogous - bare your soul to the room...to the barbell, and really show what's inside, win, lose, suffer, shit, or cry. Risk nothing, gain nothing.

You can't fake it, it's all over your face.

I post that if you haven't been here yet, you're not even at 25% of your potential. We've all been on the ground, exasperated, suffering after a WOD. But, if you've never been on the verge of crying your eyes out - you're clinging to the shore. Let. fucking. go. If you never get burned, you'll never know just how far you could have gone if you hadn't hedged your bet because you were afraid to look foolish. People see this, and they know it's real. We're drawn to that. Those you care about in the gym, and elsewhere understand and are inspired by that level of heart and conviction. Even if the worst of the worst comes to pass, they will be there to get you through it.


I've been there more times than I care to count. For me, it might be a fatal flaw that I'm not more measured in how much I put out there for the world to see. I've been roasted for it - in the gym and in life. I've risked though, and I'm better for it. I wouldn't trade one second of the moments of clarity, achievement, and true connection I've felt for an eon of security and cold, sterile safety. People have seen me on the verge of tears in the gym (and other places I'm sure) because I gave all I had, and I just couldn't hold it together anymore.

Some people laugh at that. I feel bad for them, as they'll never understand why some of us go so far. They've never felt what it's like there, and unless they change their way of thinking they never will. I'll keep doing it...because I know that there are kindred who'll go with me. Those are the people I want to be around in the gym and everywhere else. No barriers, no insurance, no safety net. Just balls out, all-in, caution-be-damned intensity. Here I am, this is me...it goes all the way to the bone.


-DBF